I am still suffering a blog slump. I thought we would have our week away, I would rest, play, go to the beach and on our return I would be ready to jump back into it. I have a list of posts waiting to be written, but I just can’t find the energy or words. And the worst part is that I’m missing it and wanting to sit down and write but nothing’s coming together.
As I was thinking about all this I started to wonder if all the stress and life’s goings on are blocking me. Maybe I need to get my Ranty Pants out and just let it all out. Have a purge and see if that leaves the way clear for me to start blogging properly again.
If you don’t love random ranty post, click away now. There might not be a lot of sense behind what follows, I am just going to let it flow. If you do stay to the end, thank you!
Life is leaving me eternally exhausted. Even more so than normal. I can’t get through the day without a nap. It’s 9.46am and I am so ready to be back in bed. And I am sick. Again. It’s the most ridiculous thing ever..
I think we all have ‘living together’ fatigue, which isn’t surprising really. Living with 8 people in a small space for 6 months can get a bit much, especially when we are all getting sick all the time. It’s all just going ’round and round. There’s no relief. Mum and Caleb have gone on holidays and Ethan’s off to camp, so maybe this break will do us all some good.
And every time I think we’re about to get a house and be able to move it all falls apart. I honestly did not know it was so hard to rent. Having our own house for the first 5 years of marriage meant I was happily living in my own little bubble where if you needed a house you found one. I really had no idea. The most disturbing thing is that my instincts are obviously broken. There have been two instances now where I have ‘felt’ we would get a house and be moving out the subsequent week and (obviously) both times I was wrong. Only yesterday we went to look at one and I was SO sure only to discover it wasn’t the 4 bedder that was advertised and it wasn’t at all practical for a family. Completely crushed.
It has me wondering if we’re meant to stay here. Yes, we’ve just moved and yes I have been going on about this move forever. However, the reason for coming here was to be closer to my family, to get support as I fought my PND and, things aren’t always what you expect. There was so many promises. So many things that made me believe that moving my family was for the best, even though James didn’t want to come here. People who were excited and planning to see me and the children “once a week” for coffees, catch ups and so on are hardly around. Living in a town where I know people but don’t see them doesn’t make me less lonely than living in a town where I didn’t know a soul. And it’s not like I want to be constantly seeing people, either. I just never thought certain people would be too busy to see me. And I certainly never thought they’d be too busy to see the kids. I never thought they’d be seeing other people’s children more than mine when we’re blood. And family means something, right? Maybe not.
So, here we are and things aren’t what I expected. Not that they ever are. And, of course, there have been some pluses and some breakthroughs for me. It’s not all bad, but right now it all feels pretty bad. You see I have immense guilt at forcing my husband to come here. This move could have detrimental effects on our marriage, but I believed I would be better and there fore family life would be too. I believed that his questions about our future in this area would soon disappear and he too would realise this was for us. Unfortunately, his ponderings in our decision making have all been right. All of them. And that’s not easy for me to say. He’s such a smarty bum.
“Will you even see him?” turns out, no. “How do you know that’ll happen?” It won’t. Shut up. “Will they even stay there?” No, we’ll come here and everyone will bail.
And that’s the clincher, where all the guilt is coming from – I promised we wouldn’t be moving in vain. I said “Of course they’ll stay! Why wouldn’t they if we’re there and they couldn’t move before?” And I believed that. Stupid.
We’ve not even been here a year, not even settled into our own place and both my parents are leaving. Probably before the end of the year. Of course they have to do what’s best for them but it sucks. Of course, that negative part of me can’t shut the hell up about this, understandably so; if you were told to move somewhere because life would be easier and the people you were moving to be closer to couldn’t move to be closer to you only to drag your young family away from their home and all the services you had in place only to have those same people suddenly decide they were in fact moving closer to where you had been in the first place? Yeah, you’d take it personally too. I know it’s not personal. Mostly. Maybe.
Right now, I just want us to be in our own place. Getting our routines back, getting organised and figuring out life without all the support I thought I would have. For whatever reason I can’t get services here and so I no longer have a Councillor and family support to see me, so that’s another thing I need to come to terms with and work around. It’s not until you no longer have these things that you realise they were quite important. Turns out I need to look to myself. Maybe I should have learnt that before prancing off on a ‘it takes a village’ move.
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